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Valentine Gifts

Here are some special Valentine’s Day gifts for my husband—

* I won’t cook anything that has “surprise” in its name…. Well, actually, I wasn’t cooking today anyway…. Okay! Don’t poke! [Insert long sigh.] It’s been so long since I’ve turned on the stove that not cooking anything with “surprise” in its name is a non-gift. But wait! Given what my cooking tastes like, not cooking really is a gift. Ha! So that really is my first gift.

(Uh oh. Is sophistry a sin? I hope not. I just went to confession. I don’t want to have to go back so fast that the kneeler is still warm.)

* I won’t ask my husband, “Do these make me look fat?” If I force him to lie, then he’ll have to go to confession, which, I guess, means that I’ll have to go, too, for making him have to go.

(This situation undoubtedly has a long theological name, derived from the Greek for “between a rock and a hard place.” While I don’t know that word, I do know it’s not eschatology, which is for situations involving the mortgage or the last of the Häagen Dazs.)

* I won’t ask my husband to rub my back. He’ll undoubtedly answer, “But it’s Valentine’s Day for me, too.” And then I’ll get upset. And then he’ll get upset. And then upset may escalate into something else that I’ll have to go to confession for.

(Thus, not asking for a back rub is “avoiding the near occasion of sin,” which is what one promises in the prayer called the Act of Contrition… Which one says during confession…. But which one is not going to need to go to, at least until the day after Valentine’s.)

Seriously, a real confession that will surprise no one: I love my husband, sweetly, deeply, truly.

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7 Responses

  1. Susan,

    You haven’t posted in a while, looks like 🙂
    Anyway, thanks for stopping by my blog. I have come across your books before, and was intrigued, but now I am definitely going to make sure to get them/read them. Too bad we didn’t get a chance to say hi to each other at the conference. But there is always the next year! 😉

    Katia

  2. Leigh’s story should absolutely be in a book. This is hilarious, and well-told.

  3. Too funny, Susan!
    All your talk of confession reminds me of my younger brother’s first confession. The priest literally left him in the confessional and came outside to sit on the alter steps and laugh. Evidently my little brother’s big sin was to take the family cat, lock her in a room with the album, “101 Dalmatians” playing, then go outside and watch through the window as the cat clawed up the walls and raced in a circle trying to escape all 101 barking dalmatians.

    • I dearly hope that no bond of confession was broken and you learned this from your brother himself. ; )

      Nancy’s right, Leigh. Funny, funny, funny–for your next book, no?

      • Thank you Susan and Nancy (Nancy, I peeked and your photos are gorgeous).

        That bond of confession was broken wide open; the priest told it to my mom as he held his ribs and tried to recover.

        Book, blog, or essay; it’s all welcome fodder.

        And Susan, a 2nd honeymoon out west sounds amazing. I may just mention that idea to my husband.

  4. That’s a great photo of you and your husband! As for “between a rock and a hard place,” the Latin poet Vergil (Greek is Greek to me) refers to it in his Aeneid Book 1 like this:
    Vos et Scyllaeam rabiem penitusque sonantis
    Accestis scopulos.
    (Yup, from memory….)

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